Missing an eye? How about a felt wink?

Don't tear off that tag! It contains vital information about your stuffed animal's origins, including place of birth and brand name. Don't be alarmed--just like the human population of earth, 1/5th of all stuffed animals are made in China!

Troubled by blood stains on ol' Walter the Warthog? Don't be! In real life, warthogs are often covered with blood after feeding on babies' brains.

Run out of nylon thread? In a pinch, unwaxed dental floss works wonders for repairing those dismembered tails!

Don't children get enough love from their family?

Actually, no. Most children are raised in horrendous households where startling violence, both physical and psychological, is the norm. In many situations, if the parents aren't beating the child, his or her siblings are.

The truth is without the unconditional love offered by inanimate stuffed animals, many children would grow up to be disgruntled gun-wielding maniacs.

INSURANCE FOR YOUR ARTIFICIAL PET

WHY STUFFED HENS DON'T LAY STUFFED EGGS

PETSA is an advocacy group for stuffed animals and their non-furry friends. It is not a circular pie made of heated dough, cheese, tomato sauce and three kinds of meat. This web site is intended as a satire and is not affiliated with any actual organization.

c. 2001 The Cool Cricket Company (R)