IN THE NEWS

PETSA has taken on a "barbaric" branch of a large unnamed retail chain for the "downright awful" treatment of its stuffed animal stock.

Crammed into the space of three shelves in the back of the store, polyester capuchin monkeys must share space with black-button-eyed dolphins and bow-tied kitty cats. This unnatural and distasteful mishmash is the result of the store manager's self-indulgent fascination with plastic action figures, which take up the bulk of the store's square footage.

"I don't really much care for stuffed animal toys," the pimply manager was heard to remark by our PETSA spy. "I find their cloying nature rather intellectually stultifying." The manager has obviously lost touch with his innate sense of decency, and PETSA has come to the rescue.

In a public service announcement (PSA), the seven-plus members of PETSA decried this mistreatment as "downright awful" and "barbaric." The announcement calls for the immediate dismissal of the manager or at least his demotion to assistant and for rescue teams to be allowed to supervise immediate rearrangement of the store's merchandise. PETSA is also calling for the retail chain to pay for psychological counseling to the stuffed animals in order to guide them through the trauma they have suffered.