Mayor Considers Mutants Aesthetically Challenged
By Rockefeller Stone, of the Stone family
In a not-so-rare moment of letting his tongue get ahead of his savvy, Crooked Corners Mayor Ronald S. Flint referred to the en masse immigrant community of Panoland mutants as "butt-ugly."
"I can't help but feel a sort of vomitive gagging everytime I look at the janitor of our building, for example," he was overheard saying at Sue's Cafe downtown. "Sometimes I see him and I think I'm gonna wretch." His recorded epithets took place interrupted by lots of lip smacking and prolonged slurps from an apparently bottomless bowl of onion soup.
Though few would argue behind closed doors that Ronald S. Flint's comments on Tuesday, January 21, were untrue, several members of his opposition party have asked him to step down. This is a common practice among Republicans.
"He should be ashamed of himself. Mutants are as pulchritudinous as we are," exclaimed Jack Blount, a city council member seen widely as Flint's major challenger in 2005.
An "apology" left on the Mayor's answering machine by Flint's assistant, Anita Saguaro, said in part, "Mayor Flint regrets that anyone eavesdropping or 'secretly' recording his private lunch conversations would then publish his personal statements in the newspaper and on flyers thumbtacked to every door on Main Street. Though he cannot take back his comments, he has given the janitor the day off Friday to see a cosmetologist."
The janitor, a two-year Crooked Corners resident who arrived from Panoland after the nuclear testing caused nipples to appear like buttons on his forehead, issued a statement that Mayor Flint has never treated him badly in person and that he was "shocked" to learn of his true thoughts. "I consider him a good buddy of mine. He never averts his eyes, even when I'm lactating."
The surreptitious recording of Mayor Flint's conversation with the waitress at Sue's Cafe also includes his mention that there is no need to replace the spoon he has dropped on the floor.
According to Temple doctors, Kire Ilguah, the founder and grand prophet of the First Temple of the Exalted Orthopteran, has passed his physical examination with high marks.
Dr. Charles Nile of Crooked Corners County Hospital was the only outsider to visit the wise man inside his bungalow, which exists somewhere in the woods behind the Temple Gardens (the location is kept secret from the general public). He tested Ilguah for specific ailments including "corruption disorder" and "scandalitis." Ilguah is known to suffer from delusions of grandeur, but this is not considered detrimental to his day-to-day health.
"He's fine, and I give him an 'A'," Dr. Nile informed reporters. "He should live a full life until his untimely assassination."
Ilguah later spoke to reporters on the Grand Lawn of the Temple and proclaimed his health "not a prob."
"Your source of light, your focal point and inspiration for all that is divine and pure, lives on, my dear friends," Ilguah said, mysteriously referring to himself in the third person. He continued, "And he is in a chirping mood today."
The word "chirping" is likely a reference to the Cool Cricket, a mysterious--some say mythical--creature whose plaintive nocturnal singing could be interpreted as a call of meditation--or just a way of passing the wee hours.
Ilguah's religion has caused some controversy because of its insect-based nature, but Tiger Moody, a self-proclaimed cynic, came away from a visit to the Temple claiming to feel spiritually cleansed and "mo' better absolutely."
Cause of Ineffable Odor Revealed
By Liza Rowls, slow motion correspondent
A weary Officer Harold of the Crooked Corners Police Department returned to headquarters on Saturday night after several calls from housewives who claimed to have been "overwhelmed" by a putrid stench while hanging laundry or beating the rug out back. The benign cop's official report explained that the smell coming from the east is not one of "bad dog" but of too many radioactive mutants living within close proximity. He said little could be done when the wind blew a certain direction.
Their stomachs filled with potatoes, their bowels swollen and in many cases prohibitively engorged, apparently many Panolandian mutants suffer from uncontrollable flatulence in addition to their more obvious troubles.
"A common problem with immigrants is that they stink," said Professor James Ellen Gramlich of Crooked Corners University. "Though if you say so, it is considered politically incorrect." He added hastily, "Therefore, you did not hear it from me."
While Officer Harold offered no ideas for eliminating the horrific odor, he did suggest the use of clothespins or some other sort of clasping device around sensitive nostrils, especially for those who suffer from upper respiratory ailments or super olefactory senses.
Put the FUN back in funeral! Handsome loner loves graveyard-shift tea parties in quiet cemeteries. Won't you join me? Dead/undead welcome. No fatties.
Out-of-work soldier of the sacred seeks same! Don't knock boots with the devil! Look no further for your redemption from all that is unholy, including Kire Ilguah and his upstart neofaith! I will save you from a fiery doom! (Yes, that is my real hair.)
Contact Father Righteous