Illegal Immigrants Prove A Nuisance After All
By Rockefeller Stone, world reporter
The world changed forever moments ago when Panolandian terrorists, longtime antagonists of the Crooked Corners way of life, hijacked a potato truck and drove it into a feed silo only a few meters from a flock of bewildered sheep and dozens of bystanding chickens.
At this time it is difficult to get a clear view of the scale of this atrocity, but preliminary reports suggest widespread mixing of corn and potatoes and at least one badly burned hen.
One witness at the scene was apparently too shocked to say anything intelligible, but here is a transcript of her words for posterity: "Braaaaaaack! Bawk bawk bawk bawk! BRAAAAAACK!"
Surveying the damage, newly elected mayor Ronald Flint offered words of condolences to the victims and their families, and tried to keep things in perspective. "Worse things have happened," he said, "But not here."
At this point no one is aware of the motive of the terrorists, but there have been reports in the past that the potato shortage in Crooked Corners County has led to widespread starch hoarding. A riot earlier this year of mutants over the same matter may have augured today's outrageous holocaust.
It remains to be seen why tuber-starved mutant rebels would destroy a truckload of the very crop they crave. What point they want to make remains a mystery, and logic, unlike the valued potato, is apparently not a staple of their diet.
More on this horrific monstrosity in my next report.
Man Stubs Toes, Blames Terrorists
By Liza Rowls, beat reporter
As law enforcement officials pick through the rubble, many townspeople are beginning to ask "why?" Still others have begun to feel the brunt of the aftereffects.
"My eyes was glued to the TV," said Tiger Moody, an unemployed retiree, "But I had to go to the baff room!" Moody later clarified, "That is to say, I had to urinate."
It was when getting up to do his business that the distracted former nature park custodian drove his right foot into the sharp leg of the coffee table, severely bruising all five toes. Doctors say he may heal completely, but only if he refrains from watching the news.
Pundit Probes Panoland Petulance
By Henrietta Potstocker, elderly survivor
While the staggering events begin to settle into the stunned psyche of Crooked Corners residents, petty liberals fear a backlash against the Panoland immigrant community, made up mostly of nukehead mutants.
Boohoomi Dal, Jr., an advocate for mutant rights, released this statement within hours of the attack: "We applaud any effort by fellow mutants to achieve the goals we have repeatedly stated in the past--more potatoes for mutants, more mansions, less name-calling. If violence is the only way to get your attention, then kiss my kalishnikov!"
Such a statement is said not to bode well with citizens of a town that until quite recently was still considered quaint and redneck-based. Professor James Tiny Gramlich of Crooked Corners University has studied the Panoland situation for over two years. While ensconced in a debate with friends over the value of good grammar versus a large vocabulary, he paused to make this statement: "Them mutants is impecunious and marginated, and while from I and your oblique perspective such comportment is indecorous, the Panoland fringe adjudges it as a cogent mechanism to mitigate their suffering." He added that he is not excusing the terrorists or their behavior, just "endeavoring to elucidate it."
Oh, By The Way, Flint Wins Mayoral Race
By Sinclair Growden, beat reporter
In what was largely predicted by the Gazette, Ronald "Sharky" Flint beat out the ghost of Leonard Marx to become the first breathing mayor of Crooked Corners in almost two decades.
Due to the unprecedented mutant attacks on the same day as the election, voters stayed home in droves, but the official count and recount mandated by the city council shows Flint with one vote, Marx with zero.
The results infer that Flint voted for himself, while Marx, his earth-based form being mere skeletal remains, failed to meet the registration deadline. The independent candidate, a rooster, has been unseen since a few minutes before the silo/potato truck tragedy.