Summer 2001 Edition
Marx lags behind Flint in polls
By Liza Rowls, beat reporter
A county-wide poll of eligible voters shows Ronald Flint ahead of the not-so-late, not-so-great Leonard Marx in this year's mayoral race.
Marx, mayor for two decades, three-quarters of which he has served while languishing in purgatory, trails his living opponent 44 to 53 . The only other candidate, a rooster named Betsy, has picked up the remaining 3 points.
In a press conference, Flint claimed early victory. "The people have spoken," he said. "Our current leadership has allowed this town to dry up like cheap paint."
The usual apathy of Crooked Corners voters has transformed into vigilant political activism since the arrival of several thousand Panolandian mutants in the last two years. Rampant and uncontrolled development, decentralized zoning and a severe potato shortage have changed laid-back small-town types into civic idealists fervently seeking a return to the day when they don't have to give a darn.
"It has been over 15 years since Leonard Marx took a fatal bullet to the vena cava, and it's high time we kicked him out of office," said Flint. "Last time he won the election running against a dog, for Pete's sake."
The poll also showed that chocolate is preferable to peanut butter with 51 percent of respondents preferring the former.
Nurse sues mad doctor
By Sinclair Growden, beat reporter
Citing callous indifference leading to severe emotional distress, Nurse Phylicia Floozy has filed a civil lawsuit against her longtime employer, Dr. C. Nile, for undisclosed damages.
Babs Mayfield, the attorney-at-law who represents Miss Floozy in the suit, did not return repeated requests for an interview. However, Gazette field technicians easily tapped her cell phone conversations and learned that Floozy's beef against the good doctor began upon the medicine man's discovery that his nurse's large breasts were nothing more than a dozen or so crumpled socks.
"He didn't have to throw my falsies into the dryer and make them shrink," Floozy was heard to remark. "Isn't there more to life than boobs?" Miss Mayfield's response was a gale of laughter that lasted several minutes followed by the word "no." Miss Mayfield, being the only attorney in the county of Crooked Corners not tied up in the wash of immigrant Panolandian mutants and its various concerns, recently represented Gus Johnson in a sex-discrimination lawsuit until his heart failed in the midst of a strenuous pelvic gyration.
Floozy continues to work for Dr. Nile, though according to a pizza delivery person, conditions at the office appear "strained." "Also her chest is noticeably flatter," the person said.
Feets fail naturalist
By Henrietta Potstocker, 79 and feelin' fine
Tiger Moody, longtime tree hugger and jazz aficionado, could not outrun a swarm of wayward mutant killer bees last week.
"I was hoofin' it like a looter with a brand-new TV," said Moody from his hospital bed, "but I couldn't get my big butt to kick into high gear."
Moody recalls shouting "Feets don't fail me now" moments before the enormous cloud of stinging insects overcame him and began to pierce his weathered skin with their sharp-pointed poison-injecting organs.
Moody served as custodian of Cool Cricket Meadow before its development into tract housing for humans and their ilk. He now cleans car windows at intersections and entrances to parking lots and occasionally writes letters to the Gazette.
Moody encountered the bees during a berry-pickin' expedition. It is believed that the bees were derived from a crossbreed of Africanized honeybees and Panolandian hornets. It is estimated that Moody was stung some 6,000 times before the bees realized he wasn't going to stop screaming and went on their way.
The location of the vicious swarm is currently unknown, and according to the Crooked Corners Police Department, no one is actually looking.
In my beautiful Panoland, before the nuclear fallout, I was a well respected man. I had a job and access priveleges to the town bathroom. Now I live in a four-bedroom home in Meadow Estates. I have a yard, a swimming pool, three flushable toilets and electricity! But I didn't come to this country for the good living. I came to irritate the hell out of the locals by my mere existence. Why can't you people get used to it? I'm here to stay. I guess all I'm asking for is a little respect. You make it sound as if being a mutant is a bad thing! You don't have to remove the earlobes growing out of my abdomen. Just respect me. Please.
A mutant immigrant from Panoland
Your report about the mutant riot and its systemic ties to the potato shortage failed to mention that this Internet-locked "Webside Stop" has no weather to speak of. Instead it is implied that the mutants' insatiable starch diet is the only cause of our tuber deficiency. Perhaps the lack of actual RAIN might have something to do with it?
Debra Chowdhury, Vice-President, Citizens for Truth