by Erik the Cool Cricket

Recently the popular media buried a joint report by the Centers for Disease Control and the Humane Society of the United States that the number one health hazard to children in America today is dog attacks. I came across this startling information--located on the second-to-last page of the travel section of a local rag--when using the paper to pick up a large mound of poop that a neighbor's mixed-breed schnauzer-collie had left on the sidewalk beside my car.

The facts are as follows: According to the study, more than 4.7 million people are bitten by savage dogs each year, and many of the victims haven't yet learned to tie their shoes. In fact, in the years of 1995 and 1996 in the United States, at least 20 helpless boys and girls died as a result of tooth marks incurred by dog chomps. 800,000 people a year rush to the hospital seeking treatment for canine-inflicted injuries, and more than half of the mauled victims are in the fragile stage of preadolescence. Indeed, the HSUS claims that "dog attacks are the most commonly reported childhood public health problem in the United States. In the number of cases they exceed the reported instances of measles, whooping cough and mumps combined."

Surely this report indicates a need, nay, a moral mandate, to ban all dogs from this country and--aside from indigenous species in the wild good for keeping the rat population in tow--from the rest of the world as well. It is time we recognize the folly of our ancestors who domesticated these beasts some 10,000 years ago. It is time we stop mincing words and rise to the challenge of protecting our children and ourselves.

Many quarrel that dog owners are the problem, that "dogs don't kill--people do." This is an absurd argument conjured up by the canine lobby in order to place its selfish interests over those of society.

The truth is dog owners are already up to their snooty noses in laws that simply don't work. Ask poor little Sally Sue Boggins in Lexington, Kentucky, if the mandatory leash law in her city kept the bulldog next door from escaping its elderly owner and digging up Sally's newly planted mulberry bush before planting its own yellow teeth into her face. Ask Bart Wagonwheel outside Flagstaff, Arizona, if the mangy mongrels that illegally fornicate in the public street don't scare away tourists from his rock shop.

Dogs kill. Dogs maim. Dogs bark. Dogs poop. Dogs slobber. Dogs knock over porcelain figurines with their wagging tails. Dogs are evil.

The benefits of banning dog ownership in this country go beyond the obvious rescue of precious human lives. When dogs are eradicated, how many countless man-hours will be saved that Americans now spend scraping unwanted Doberman doo-doo off their shoe bottoms? How many millions of hours of sleep will Americans enjoy when the incessant barking of the neighbor's pooch is finally silenced?

Proponents of the continued slaughter of innocent children argue that dog ownership is a matter of personal choice and that everyone has a "right to pursue happiness" guaranteed in the Constitution. But self-defense and playing fetch with a Frisbee are not valid reasons to allow the kind of hideous statistics like those outlined to occur. Despite the Ninth Amendment, which vaguely refers to rights not enumerated in the previous eight, our forefathers with good reason did not specify a right to bear pets.

Those who challenge anti-doggers with economic arguments are not only sick in the head, but fail to account for the cost amassed by allowing dog ownership to continue. According to the HSUS, vicious dog bites account for five percent of emergency room admissions. Doctors may profit from such terrible instances, but certainly the medical community, biscuit makers and poodle groomers can find some other means to make a living. We're talking about saving children's lives, not a buck or two.

Imagine an America where fire hydrants remain unsoiled, where bill-delivering postal workers roam free, where bicyclists ride down suburban streets without having their ankles nipped. Imagine an America where the pernicious stench known as "dog odor" no longer permeates the laundry basket or the back seat of the car.

Not just hand dogs, but automatic dogs, semi-automatic dogs, sniper dogs, sawed-off shot dogs and hunting dogs should be removed from the homes of citizens to make this nation a safer, happier place. Fanatical dog owners further remark that their pets give them unconditional love and bring great joy to their lives. To these antisocial maniacs, I say a great sacrifice is necessary. In other words, get a cat.

c. January, 1999 and March, 2002 The Cool Cricket Company (tm)